Wings of a Dove, I'll miss you my friend AgentK

thank you my friend

(Please see the edit below)

Many of you know i was an adopted as uncle to a young blogger named AgentK. AgentK as i discovered tonight has stopped blogging and i just wanted to thank him for his stories, his laughter and his trust and friendship. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many wonderful people bloggging here and on MSN and AgentK was one of a kind, an identical twin with a heart of gold. god has blessed you with many talents, i know you will become a succesful person. Its been a few days since your last email and well i thought i would just share a few thoughts with you here in the hopes you may read this:

I know that these last few months were very tough on you and i hope the future is nothing but brightness and good times. I will never forget the laughs we shared and chatting into the wee of the morning. It was a good ride our time together in blog world. I don't know what to say really as i just discovered your blog is gone. Its happened before you make a friend here in blog land and then one day they just disappear and you are left wondering what happened.

I know that you suffered some real life events that have caused you sorrow, a death of a friend, a mum with cancer among the tings u have to deal with, i know it must hurt you and cause someone as loving and caring as you great sorrow. I tried to calm your fears and help you through the nights the terrors came but i know that is not all you suffered from.

Blog land wasn't kind to you. AJ stole away heart on a bed of lies, Lance attempted to take advantage of you when you were in a moment of need, those were just a couple of the demons who lusted for you and im sorry you had to deal with those things, maybe you were right and the Internet is no place for you. recently i know you feel you lost a brother in blog land too as i have not heard from him myself in a while i can't promise you he is well i can only hope and pray.

Blogland wasn't all bad for you as i know how you felt about BB and some others. Ill let them know you cared about them too. No you weren't the first or the last young blogger to be abused in some way, the troubles of DJ and that fake Mikey the hockey player and those he fooled appear all too common, it takes away from the good.

i hope u aren't leaving those who love and care for you for good. When you are Strong enough come talk to us again. You had many people who cared for you here even when you took your blog private you had many caring people follow you and offer you advice and comments. I know they will miss you too.

While i understand your actions my heart is aching. I will survive but i will never forget you my friend and nephew. I was blessed to meet you and still look forward to the day we will meet :)

thank you AgentK for making my life a little happier and better because i had the chance to meet you and become your friend. You know how to reach me if you need anything, take the time you need to heal. but come back my friend when you are able too.

Stay strong and know i will keep you in my thoughts, keep smiling at the world

take care and be safe my nephew

HUGS LUL

UB

EDIT: I would like to make it clear i am not talking about AJCon when i mentioned AJ above, AJcon was a follower and a friend to AgentK



Ill never for get u my little nephew

Prop Eight Has Been Finished

Today the Prop Eight trial in California came to a close.

US Supreme Court has stated that: "Marriage is a right which extends fundamentally to all persons, whether they're capable of producing children, incarcerated or behind in their child-support payments," The California Supreme Court has said that California Constitution does not prohibit or describe who may be married. Yet the wisdom of learned judges wasn’t enough for the for the people of California and after a hate filled campaign they narrowly voted to changed the California Constitution to limit the definition of marriage.Into this quandary came Ted Olsen and David Boise who thought that all people should be treated equally in this country. And while some of you may recognize Mr. Boise as the attorney who represented Al gore in Bush v. Gore, many of you maybe surprised to know that Ted Olsen a leading Conservative, the defender of Bush, is supporting our rights the rights of all Americans.

The case is before Judge Walker who is reported to be openly gay, and who will hopefully reach a decision soon. Which ever way he rules it is sure to be appealed to the United States Supreme Court and even though it’s a conservative court I do not believe it can reach any other decision than our 14th amendment to the constitution requires all people are treated equally in every way.

The opponents of fairness and freedom went out fighting today. Charles Cooper, lead lawyer for the people supporting the ban on gay marriage, maintained that society is entitled to reserve its approval of marriage for those who can naturally conceive children. "The marital relationship is fundamental to the existence and survival of the race," Cooper said in closing arguments before a packed San Francisco courtroom. The reason the state regulates marriage, he said, is to steer "procreative sexual relationships" into a stable family environment so that children can be raised by their biological parents.

Personally I don’t have a problem with married people procreating or stable family environments , its just I believe Mr. Cooper better let all infertile woman know they can never be married, and I would like to know, does he suggest divorce for those couples whose children may have died an unfortunate earlier death. Marriage like most things is defined by those who are in it not by those who wish to limit it.

Mr. Cooper also said California has provided equal treatment for all couples in its domestic-partner laws. But even a discriminatory marriage law would be valid, Cooper said, because the U.S. Constitution offers no special protection to gays and lesbians and "we don't have to submit evidence" to justify treating them differently.

Mr. Cooper is also right that our constitution doesn’t give GLBT people special protection; rather it offers us and all Americans equal protection. And Mr. Cooper and those who pay and support him that all we want is equal protection.

Thanks for reading take care and be safe

Cvn70

Happy Birthday Mirrorboy

Happy Birthday Mirrorboy !!! Seventeen i hope its a better year and a prosperous year. I wish I could be there to share some cake with you and help you celebrate you birthday. A year and a half ago i had the pleasure to meet you and read your blog. I know the road you have travelled to date has been not been the easiest but each adversity you have overcome has made you stronger and offered hoped and strength to those who have followed you.

I hope today is a day of peace and calm in your life. I hope you realize how important you have been to many others here. Thanks for being out there and have a good Birthday.

take care and be safe

Cvn70

Pride in the Name of Love

Happy Easter everyone and I hope all of you recently celebrating Passover enjoyed time with your family. friends and significant others. I know its late but better late than never :P. Pride is it a Value or is it Curse, should we strive for it?

This cross I found on a beach near Monterrey California. It is a replica of one put there in the 17th century by people from Spain. I’m not sure how religious all or any of you are but for those who value this holiday as a religious one I do hope that your faith was fulfilled as we celebrate this day that Christ rose. I believe in a god and his Son but I don’t believe in any religious order. I don’t find fault with those of you who do, it’s just that I don’t and am happy with that.

I had a nice ham diner cooked by one of my sisters and plenty of wine to go with the meal. I hope everyone else a nice family meal too. For the most part all of my extended family are well. Oh so thanks again for those of you who have inquired where I am, but I am home. I drove home last week and things were going fine until that rental car broke down. Two hours later the AAA triple guy noticed wires sparking, apparently a nut grounding the battery and starter decided to come off the bolt. But I am waiting to hear word on when my car will be repaired.

Hey if you have time check out this new blog by Scott, My Clockwork Universe, he is from the UK. Scott’s is the first of my new followers blogs I have had the chance to check out. I will get to the rest of you soon. Scott is 22; has a boyfriend he just introduced to the family and likes apple products :P. So please if you are looking for a new blog to read or if not, just drop by and say hi

So the title, Pride in the Name of Love, some of you may recognize it as U2 song and one of their early ones. Early morning, April 4 Shot rings out in the Memphis sky Free at last, they took your life They could not take your pride. The song is a tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King who was killed on April 4, 1968 in the city of Memphis. I have reproduced al the lyrics below for your review.

One man come in the name of love One man come and go One man come here to justify One man to overthrow In the name of love! One man in the name of love In the name of love!What more? In the name of love!One man caught on a barbed wire fence One man he resists One man washed on an empty beachOne man betrayed with a kiss In the name of love! What more in the name of love? In the name of love!What more? In the name of love!...nobody like you...there's nobody like you...Mmm...mmm...mmm...Early morning, April 4 Shot rings out in the Memphis sky Free at last, they took your life They could not take your prideIn the name of love! What more in the name of love? In the name of love! What more in the name of love? In the name of love! What more in the name of love...

Work is going ok but I will unfortunately meet another person looking to declare bankruptcy. The referral I am told is a grandmother type living on disability. She has somehow run up 25K of credit card debt. This is a favor for a friend so I won’t be getting full pay on this one. A bankruptcy will wipe out all that debt for her and she won’t have to make any further payments by the way.

SOX tie the game at 7 -7, they are playing the Yankees tonight in the opener. The Yanks jumped out to a lead of 5-2, the Sox came back to tie at 5-5. The yanks then went ahead again but Dustin just hit a two run homer to tie it up in the bottom of the Seventh. Sox just went ahead in the eighth let’s hope they hold on to this lead. For those unaware baseball season in the States has begun tonight.

Thanks for reading, take care and be safe out there my friends

Cvn70

Covered

It is going to be covered in full which is a nice thing. They couldn't really determine what happened to cause the failure. So they are ordering all the parts to put it back together. Unfortunately they had to order a new engine block from Sweden, but its supposed to be here in the states in 7 - 10 days. Even after they receive all the parts some of them will have to be milled and the car engine back together. So I will have to make an extra trip back down to Raleigh, NC in a couple of weeks when they put it all back together.

Looks like tomorrow I will start heading home or Sunday at the latest. I need to swing by the car and pick up some stuff i left in it. I'm looking at taking some smaller roads to get a different look at North Carolina. Problem is though it may make a two trip into a three day trip because usually i drive much further north of Raleigh on the first day of driving home. Until they fix my car they are paying for a nice rental car. It's a Buick Lacrosse CXL. Its fairly well equipped and after a 100 miles driving it so far it's not a bad car. Although I wish it was a standard as I have tried to shift it on a couple of occasions already.

It was a cloudy day in Florida with rain in the morning. Still we travelled south to Marco Island about twenty minutes for lunch. There a little place there of of Bald Eagle Drive named the Snooks Inn. It sits on the water and is a favorite place of mine down here in Florida. I had the broiled seafood platter which comprised of shrimp, scallops, grouper and mahi mahi with crab stuffing. A salad bar and fresh baked bread and some Chardonnay and you have the makings of a nice meal.

Health care has passed and we are all still here so that is good. I have seen a couple of blogs commenting on how stupid us Americans are over this health care, but you have to remember we aren't brought up on the idea of social medicine or mandated health care, so its going to take time for every one to see the possible benefits.

Anyone watching FlashForward i think that is a pretty good show myself. Kansas, did anyone else pick them to make it to the final four and win it all? Looks like immigration will be the next big topic out of Washington, how do you guys feel, should we just make everyone a permanent resident? California is looking to actually legalize marijuana, (apparently this is ok but gays being married is destroying the family in California) what do you think? William F. Buckley declared we lost the drug wars in the eighties, should we just legalize and and tax it or what?

Ok so there are a few things I'm thinking about it these days. Is there anything you are interested in, a topic that is making headlines in your country? Let me know I love to read foreign newspapers and see what going on out there.

I hope you are all well and that life is mostly positive for all. Thanks for reading, take care and be safe

Cvn70

Waiting in the Sun

Well no news is good news they say but I am going to have call someone tomorrow and find out if GM is going to honor its warranty. Thanks to those of you who have expressed concerned about my little problem. And Even if they cover it it will take a couple of weeks to repair. As much as I would like to spend all that time in Florida I do have go home and get some work done. My friends at home believe GM will try and deny coverage and while i hope they don't nothing surprises me anymore.

So I have been spending some time at the beach this week, the picture above is from yesterday when the breeze was up and there were some kites surfers, and oh yea these two guys caught my attention too. Naples, Florida is a funny place in the world in some ways, the whole place is built for about three months a year from December to February. This picture was from around Christmas time when the beach is full of tourist from really all parts of the world.

And after the season is over Naples becomes a typical tourist town out of season, empty and easy to get around. This picture below taken this week of the same beach area just looking the other way shows how deserted the beaches are. I do recommend Naples to anyone visiting Florida as a place that provides an easy way of life. There is plenty of shopping, fishing, golfing and beach activities. Or you can just enjoy the restaurants and the views

Well I'm keeping my fingers crossed to hear some good news on my car. I've been thinking about Obama care and what it will mean to me and the Country. I have to believe that this is the first step to a naturalized health care system for Americans. Am I happy about it, well yes and no, but I do step its a step forward for civil and human rights, unfortunately its a step that may bankrupt the country. I read in the Wall Street Journal that historically this country has taxed its populist about twenty percent in general. This means that total taxes paid by all, has cost the country about twenty percent of what it has been made by all and now under Obama's plan it will increase to twenty seven percent. And there appears to be no cost controls built in to the system.

Obama says he will collect it from the rich, but in this economy the rich are fewer and fewer. Is Health care a right, maybe in a lot of countries it is unfortunately its not here. Should it be a right, maybe but that is not the question. I already counsel people how to avoid taxes and government mandates. I think this maybe give me some more business.

A few years ago i would have sent some money to people working against Obama Care, but after meeting some of you who i know will benefit from this plan, I will just swallow the cost and hope for the best, for now at least.

Thanks for reading, take care and be safe out there my friends

Cvn70

Broken down and waiting

So things were going ok, I left yesterday morning on a trip to Florida. I did run into to a lot of traffic yesterday in Connecticut, which delayed my meeting Dodger for lunch. It’s always nice to stop and have lunch with another member of the community Even coming thru New York City there was a bit of extra traffic but still I pushed on south. After lunch in Philadelphia I starting moving south again and didn’t stop until I reached the middle of North Carolina. I drove over eight hundred miles (almost 1300 Kilometers) or a little over half way before I stopped for the night.

Got up and had a delicious breakfast at the hotel. They had one of those Belgian waffle makers so I made some, yum. Packed up the car and got on the road again. As I neared the end of North Carolina I heard some noises from the engine compartment and then I lost all power to the car. Luckily it rolled along the highway and down a nearby exit ramp. I pull to a stop off the exit ramp. Not happy at all. Here I am stuck in the middle fog basically rural North Carolina.

I called the nice people at Saab. Since the car is under warranty they will tow it to the nearest Saab dealer. Some eighty miles north of where I am . So an hour later a tow truck appears and we make the drive north to Raleigh. I’m waiting right now to hear what is wrong with the car. OK blown engine, yep I never saw what one of the cylinder rods looked like before but the technician shined the light up and there it was. The bottom of the engine block was gone. Fuck

So they gave me a rental and told me they would know Monday if the engine was covered under the warranty. I asked the service manager just what does a bumper to bumper warranty covers if it doesn’t cover blown engines. They are worried I got water into the cylinder head last week when I had some troubles starting the car after I went thru some water. So they gave me a rental car and I’m off to Florida again. Monday will either be the start of a good problem or a bad problem

Even if it covered my car and me are serrated by some eight hundred miles and it wont be done in a week so that I could pick it up as I returned home. At least the rental car is nice it’s a Buick Lacrosse. Well I need to get on the road again and get to Florida. I hope everyone else is doing better out there than I am today

Thanks for Reading, take care and be safe

Cvn70

Death, Uganda is that really the answer?

Okay it appears that I took February off from blogging, I am not sure what happened either, but I'll give it a go again. Tonight a little red wine is helping, over the years I have used several things to pass the days, sometimes I think you just need a little something.

Did you notice Uganda wants to kill gay people. A new law under consideration proposes the Death penalty if a minor or disabled person is involved in a homosexual act or if an "offender" is HIV-positive or is a "serial offenders". Life in prison awaits anyone who engages in homosexual acts. For helping, counselling, or encouraging another person to engage in a homosexual act a penalty of seven years is proposed. Uganda currently criminalizes [BBC report] homosexual behavior with up to 14 years in prison

The new bill wants to raise that to life imprisonment, even though no-one has ever been convicted of homosexual acts in Uganda. And just because Uganda wants to be fair to families members of LGBT, the bill also imposes punishments of up to three years in prison for those who fail to report the identity of a person who is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered within 24 hours, including family members.

Uganda is headed in the wrong direction. I know Uganda isn't alone in the news lately as our American government is pandering to members of LGBT with Presidents Obama's strong pledge to rid our military of Don't Ask Don't Tell. For those of you who don't get to pay taxes to Washington, Don't Ask Don't Tell is a Clinton era deal in which LGBT persons can serve in our military as long as they don't admit their desires or act out in any manner. It just doesn't work and I'm not sure our military is ready to allow this common sense approach of just letting people be who they are. Believe me I didn't join the Navy because I was gay rather because I believe I had an obligation to serve our country.

Hey and I am not suggesting the military to anyone its not a place which treats us well. Watch out for the Commission to be formed alter to study this issue to death before I believe the military will allow it. My guess is that we will have peace in the middle East before gays serve openly in our Military.

Oh yea I also want to mention another American institution of hate which turned 100 years old last month and that is our Boy Scouts, who believe its more important that you swear an allegiance to god and that its members are all straight, rather than worry if their members are taught and lead to be trust worthy, loyal to each other, faithful to their rules and considerate of others. I read some of those words once in their handbook.

Man does the economy suck where you are? Small Businesses are continuing to fail and housing foreclosures are going strong. Some days its frustrating talking to people as no one seems to be riding high and happy in their business in this economy. One second I need to refill, okay back again. I do hope for the sake of all our college/UNI bloggers the economy picks up when they graduate.

While I am complaining about things tonight I just don't see how the Obama health care bill is going is going to help us and cut costs. And i know some of my liberal friends may say how cruel and everyone deserves health care blah blah blah. Its not that i don't want to ensure people are healthy or even are against a universal health care, its that i can't see it being done without using real costs and having real cost controls. As long as doctors, hospitals and insurance companies are free to charge what they want I am going to get screwed and that is how i see it.

Ok I guess that is enough ranting. I really want to thank all my new followers and well everyone who bothers to read or comment. Always feel free to add me MSN. I am going to try and be more visible on that. If you prefer talking then typing ask me for my skype address.

Otherwise I hope everyone is well as they can be. Keep moving forward and improving yourselves in this life. to those of you with struggles going on i hope you find the peace and help you need. Take care and be safe everyone, thanks for reading

CVN70

Community

Grammy's, the Pro bowl or the Winter X Games and if the truth be known i think the X Games had more entertainment tonight. Although I did like hearing Stevie Nicks sing one of Fleetwood Mac's classics from my teen years.

I just wanted to speak a bit on community and the one I feel apart of here. When I first met some of the bloggers who I follow and linked too it seemed to be a tight knit group of bloggers who easily let people in and linked them to their blogs. This little Australian really believed in and used to plug and link new bloggers. Now that he has suspended his blogging i hope people continue to link new bloggers and plug those you like. Mirrorboy used to say its like a spider web so lets keep going it gives everyone a chance to find someone, a new friend or maybe more. In light of that

Thoughts of a gay teen - Oliver is a young student in Paris who is looking for some followers. He hasn't been blogging long and just got back from a trip the to Hague, which i believe is in Europe somewhere where he roomed with and interesting boy ...

The Difference in Me Luc, is a french Canadian, who is 18 years old and in college. He tells us he is out to a few people. He also has few followers and could probably use some followers

A Life of One Sexually Confused Boy B (you may remember him as Hypnos) is back with a new blog for those of you who remember him. He also is in college and enjoying the life and his dreams.

The Daily Jizzt My friend Torchy has brought back the Daily Jizzt, if you have some time check it out and im sure he would appreciate input and co authors even

So when and if you can point out some new blogs that you find and link them let people know they can find friends here. I have been very lucky to meet so many of you and while its hard to chat with everyone i thank all that take the time to do so.

Recently i have the good fortune to dine with and enjoy the company of several of our fellow bloggers. I can only hope that those of you who are closeted like me can find a few friends like Jeremy, James, Shane and especially Naturegesetz, who I and another blogger were able to help celebrate his birthday at symphony. He truly is the elder statesman of the blog world. If you can just meet someone it helps it really does just to be in their presence so thanks guys

Well once again thanks for being out there and reading. Take care and be safe

Cvn70

Will democracy prevail in Prop. 8 trial?

We in America do not live in a democracy. Democracy is not threatened by having federal courts review a law or action to ensure it is Constitutional. America after all is a constitutional republic consisting of fifty states and some federal territory.

Last week a trial began in United States Federal Court in California, in which one of this nations premiere conservative lawyer’s is arguing that gays should be allow to get married. Mr. Theodore Olson the man who defended Bush in front of the Supreme Court during Bush v Gore, has joined his old nemesis, David Boies (Mr. Boies defended Mr. Gore in the same trial), in arguing that the actions of the State of California in redefining Marriage and who can be married is unconstitutional. They argue that the actions of the state are violations of the 14th Amendment of the US Constitution and thus should not be allowed. If they are successful gay marriage will be allowed thru out the nation

Every day since the Prop 8 appeals trial started I have been checking the Internet and blogs for news and opinion on the trial. I am tired of reading this bull about how a majority’s wishes have been over ruled by the wisdom the courts of this nation. Voting and elections is only part of how this nation governs and the courts are an equal branch.

The author of the article linked here and several like it argues that those are very bad reasons to redefine marriage as something other than one man and one woman. But he adds that at the heart of the court trial is "whether or not the principles of democracy will survive and whether or not seven-million voters in California have their vote count and whether or not the constitution of California can be overturned by a single judge in federal court."

Majority rule was specifically rejected by the founders of this nation. They wanted each state to have a fair shake so each state has two senators no matter its size. The bill of rights and subsequent amendments to the Constitution were to guarantee equal and fair treatment of the populace by the government.

This nation courts have routinely rejected majority rule when protecting civil rights whether its ensuring blacks and minorities are educated with whites or allowing contraception devices (including rubbers) to the public. I mean no one would think it’s rational to separate blacks and whites in every function of society, anymore that is. The Courts and the decisions it Judges make and this country upholds; is one thing that what makes this country great.

The trial may last another week and what ever the Judge’s ruling it’s sure to be appealed to the US Supreme Court. It may take a couple of years or it could be taken by the Court right away, but I do believe once there, they will have no constitutional foundation to prevent or disallow gay marriage. Of course time will tell but this trial is historic in of itself.

Thanks for reading. Take care and be safe

Cvn70

A New Year is Upon Us

Hey did anyone notice that a couple of guys got married in South America, that did help the year finish on a good note. As a group we made some progress in 2009, and although i know there were still some set backs as far as legalizing marriage here in the states, things overall have gotten better.

For me this has been a good year too, I have met some new friends and really in some ways accepted being gay more than I ever have before. In this upcoming next year i would like to make further personal progress maybe even starting over in a new life in a new city. I am encouraged by the actions of so many of you and the friendship of so many more.

We have a beautiful little community here of people young and old from basically around the world which offers support and friendship. It a place that we can garner support and strength. It a place i have felt comfortable in last year in some ways more than I have ever been comfortable in the real world. In short you have all shown me what's missing from life.

I don't really make resolutions but i do make plans and while I am writing this from Florida as I am still on Vacation, this time next year I hope to being writing this from a new home in Florida where I will begin that life.

I will leave here the day after tomorrow and begin in earnest to seek out employment, then find a new home to buy, close down my practise and sell my home and if i can do tat in this economy then I will Begin to change my social life also. Well that is the broad outline of the plan.

Ok a little updating on my life, two weeks ago almost i drove to Florida. I had a nice lunch with Dan, Go Left At The Fork and Dodger, A Nexus. In fact if we eat i think three more times together our next meal is free according to the little card the restaurant gave us. Then got stuck in a snow storm in Virginia, 7 hours to go a 100 miles, thank god the Canadians who just formed a lane of traffic south and plowed through the snow and scared southerners :)

Oh remember that case I told you guys about where the old lady who lived with the Dad was trying to take all the estate money for herself, well I'm having some success in resolving that case before the trial date. Court does scare the guilty.

In closing today, I need to go to the beach, I am going to be watching fireworks tonight and thinking of all my friends in blog land. I do hope this upcoming year brings you all happiness, growth and treasures. There will be of course some bad days but hey we need rain and then sunshine can come into our lives again. and if you have a chance this year climb mountains cause the view from the top is excellent

Thanks for reading, I hope everyone is doing great, take care and be safe

Cvn70

Merry Christmas

I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. I would like to take a moment to thank those who follow and read for doing so. I hope the upcoming year brings upon all of you the successes and goals you are striving for and working towards.

I pray that all were treated well today and that their lives will continue to improve. Thank you all for being out there and supporting me. My life has improved in the last year because of you all and the help I have received and i hope yours has too

So during this holiday season lets forget our troubles for a day or so and try to have a good time in life. thanks for reading Take care and be safe

bob

Answers Randy at least mine ...

Randy, who is an American war veteran and a diverse thinker, asked some questions a week or so ago and i thought i would give them a shot. I think he is trying to determine if you live by some standards and consider your self a worthy individual.

So I will attempt to answer them in some fashion below. I had a good win in court last week, there is nothing like winning in court. Its cold up here and its time to go get warm again is all I can say

Answers:

1. Whose the last person you've helped, but didn't have to?


I cant tell you his name but I represented a guy the other in a Contempt Hearing today. Contempt is where one Party suggests that another party didn't follow an order of the Court. He is the son in law of a friend I represented against her daughter. he has a second wife and between child support and supporting the second family he can't afford legal services. He is not alone in this country in that we have fewer avenues to free legal help and many cant afford to even have a conversation with an attorney.

2. Whose the last person you loved but didn't want to?

Physically loved no one, emotionally loved someone that I didn't want to, I don't think I have ever done that either. I haven't ever been torn up emotionally loving someone I didn't want too.


3. Whose the last person you hated, but couldn't help it?

See the question like the one above is hard for me to consider and answer because I don't believe one does something that they cant help. I also try not to hate anyone in life I find it's such a terrible waste of energy.


4. What means most to you, but could do without?


I believe there is no single thing I couldn't live without as far as materially but freedom means the most to me but even that can be taken from a person and they can exist. But I would say the freedoms we enjoy as Americans and that includes the right to change the status quo.


5. At the end of the day what can you do better, and will you try to?


I could do everything better but seriously i don't think ill try harder to do any thing better as I'm rather satisfied with my life as far as my skills. And I have never been one to strive for perfection, I just try and do a good job every day.


6. Can you ignore want and acknowledge necessity?


yes I can ignore want and I know I can because once you have enough money to buy things you don't need want is something you realize is not always necessary. Acknowledge necessity if you mean stay within some boundaries and don't go to excess yes I can do that.


7. What is fucked up in your LIFE that you CAN change but never will?


Probably that I have ignorant friends and family members and I'm not sure i have the energy or the desire to change people who should already know how to act.


8. What is fucked up in the WORLD that you CAN'T change but will try?


If i know i can't change it then I probably wouldn't try even if its fucked up, I mean why waste the energy where it can not produce any results.


9. Would you denounce your convictions to save the life of one person/millions?


Yes, because my convictions aren't worth someone life unless of course it my life.


10. Would you follow your convictions if it lead to the injustice of one person/millions?


No, once again my convictions aren't worth an injustice done to another. But unlike the question above where saving a life is a black and white issue, which would lead a rational person i hope to save that life, injustice really falls into the grey areas of the world. I mean what i might consider justifiably another may not for religious or cultural reasons. So when i answer the question i did it from the view point of what i see as justice.


11. Is your life about giving or taking?


At this point in life I try to make my life more about giving in a lot of different ways. I believe that everyone that comments on a blog gives a little and every one who reads a blog takes a little, so here i guess from what we do we give and take, but in the real world, whether its in taxes to the government or other people or organizations i do try and give a little more than I take in life


12. If you die tomorrow, what footprints have you left?


I hope if I have left any that are remembered that they are to tread lightly in this world as it can be a dangerous place at times and to help your shipmates (bloggers too) in life who ever they for they may save your life some day. That doesn't mean to go without convictions or to let others run over you in life, rather i hope you see at it as:pick your battles wisely because not all battles are worth fighting, not all battles are winnable and not all battles mean a dam in life but when it does then fight to win.

Randy thanks for posing these questions and I hope I answered them appropiately.

I would like to thank a bunch of new followers for taking some time and reading this blog. Just who writes But Time Makes You Bolder; Jacob who writes Blogger (Blogspot) - yacbisolai; and Lady, gaylady and saexsboy who appear not to be writing blogs. Aaron who writes A Beautifool Chaos and my nephew AgentK who just stop blogging.

Also new followers and new bloggers are: jimi who writes My Side of the Stroy. and Jeremy who writes The Closet is Dark if you have time give them a read.

Thanks for Reading, take care and be safe, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas and happy Holidays to all

Take care and be safe

Cvn70

Happy Birthday Blake

I would just like to say happy birthday to my friend Blake who is year older now and closer to his goal of being free from his surroundings. It been nice getting to know you a bit Blake and I hope your birthday brings you a bit of joy. If any of you have time drop by his blog and wish him happy birthday. Or better yet send him an email his email is on his profile page right here, thanks i know it will make his day.

Blake, stay strong and continue working towards your goal of being free and finally being away from the place you feel trapped. Just a few more years and you can spread your wings and see where life takes you.

I hope you receive some gifts today that make you happy. Enjoy your day as best you can and remember that at least in this corner of the blog world you have some friends and some people who enjoy talking to you.

Blake is just one of several young guys out there whose lives are not full of joy on a day to day basis. He has found a few friends in our community and some of his fears about life have lessened. Blake after his dad passed away a couple of years ago was forced to live in a home with his mother, her boyfriend and his older brother and well none of them treat him to well. He is home schooled and trapped basically in his home.

His life at times makes you appreciate what blessings you may have in your own life just a little more. Blake unfortunate is not the only one having problems out there as i have also heard from Sebastian who wrote Simplicity will no longer be blogging as he was caught online by his parents and his blog has been discovered. Not to worry his parents tell him they love him but they thought they should also alert their church to their sons orientation so that the whole of the church may pray for our friend Sebastian, so that he may be cured. Poor Seb, he sneaks onto to MSN from time to time but he can also receive emails for those of you who followed Seb and may want to send him some support.

I also want to acknowledge another friend of mine out there suffering tonight and that is AgentK, i just hope he feels better soon. It's a tough life we live sometimes being gay, bi, lesbian and transgender but tonight i just wanted to say happy Birthday Blake

Thanks to my new followers I will acknowledge you personally in my next post. Thanks everyone for reading.

Take care and be safe

Cvn70

Giving Thanks, gooble gooble

First of all sorry I have been gone so long. I have been back from vacation in Florida for weeks now and well I wont bore you with the excuses but basically work, a little flu, a little need of a break, some upsetting news and family issues have kept me partially away.

Today many of you may know it Thanksgiving in the States and it’s a holiday that I enjoy. I like to give thanks today for several things but mostly for you people out there who follow me or read this blog or write their own. During my trip I was fortunate enough to share some time with Dan who writes Go Left At The Fork, Dodger who writes A Nexus , Seth who writes Sethboyardee and Scotty who writes Endless Waltz . I also had the chance to meet with Shane who writes I just want to be me again as he was facing some tough times. Meeting you all whether in person, online or through your blogs has been a wonderful experience

I know I haven’t read or commented as much as I used too and for that I’m sorry because I do love these blogs and what I have learned from them. You all have inspired me to make some changes in my life and over the next year I’m going to make them. I want to relocate and start anew. I want to find a job and a place to live where I can try to be me as I was born not the person I have pretended to be. I just hope I find the strength to make it work, but what excuses can I really have anymore.

So I hope you are still reading and will be there with me as I embark on this journey. I’m focusing on Florida right now and over the holidays I plan on meeting with a head hunter as jobs are not as prevalent as they once were. I don’t know if I want to try and recreate a private practice in Florida as that takes time and attention I would rather put to finding someone else. Housing is cheap right now as I have been looking at homes and condos and I just want to find some little place near or on a golf course if anyone knows of anywhere there is a nice property for sale :). In some ways I want to simplify my life and try to enjoy some things I have never had or experienced.

I would also like to thank my new followers Mikey who writes a Gay Hockey Kids Life, Mike who doesn’t appear to have a blog but if you do let me know, Gracjc, who writes I love bananas, Ryan who has two blogs going Ryan’s Portal and The Gay Onion, and finally Ben who writes Sorry Girls I’m Gay. Kind of a catchy title lol

So as I get ready to go visit with my family I say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my online family. I hope everyone enjoys the day and for those who live outside of the US I hope you had a nice day too.

Thanks for reading, take care and be safe

Cvn70

Playing Tyler's Game and Going South

Sorry Tyler it has taken me so long to get around to this game of yours and I do enjoy them, I’m even thinking of doing the questionnaire also, I know a big step for me :) Tyler is one an active blogger who most of you know I’m sure but if not give his blog a look he posts almost daily. I do have to warn you he is not America’s biggest fan though :). But what he does do is promote this sense of community that we have here and I like to support his efforts on that so thank you Tyler for inviting me to play.

I would also like to say thanks to my three new followers. Wat so Ever from Australia who writes Chosen Life Foreva, Nelson G. whose blog NG2 is closed but I would be glad to read it from time to time if you ever choose to invite me, and Dave who writes derelict . I thank you all.

I would also like to say hi to Aaron a fairly new blogger from Australia and he writes A Beautiful Chaos so give him a look and a few comments if you have the time. I have had the pleasure of chatting with him a few times already but i have to warn you he has one of those aussie accents.

Many may remember his questions But here they are again:

1) Where are you from? (you can choose to answer with your country, state/province, or city)

I'm from outside of Boston and the city always looks good at night

2) What' your favourite food? Pretty much got to be steak and a Ribeye or T-Bone is always nice

3) What's your favourite drink? By far coffee and mostly from Dunkin Donuts

4) What's your ideal/favourite (future) job/career? The ideal job in the world has to be being a judge, i mean they answer to hardly no one.

5) What's your favourite thing about yourself? Probably that i have a good education to fail back on which helps me make a living.

6) What's the place you most want to visit? Well without going back to any of the wonderful places and countries I have been too, I guess this little place i have come to learn a little about, it seems to be about one of the most photographic places in the world.

7) What's your favourite body feature on someone else? Eyes i really like nice eyes

8) What's your favourite Movie? In the mid 70s when Animal House came out I thought it hilarious and i still do.

9) What's your favourite TV show? Right now probably FlashForward the new ABC show.

10) Choose one word that best describes you/ This was easy.

11) What time period would you most like to have lived in? The one which has yet to come.

12) What's the next thing you're (probably...) going to purchase? A movie someone recommended next week when I'm on vacation.

I need some time off so I'm going south to Florida. Hoping to have a nice lunch tomorrow with a couple of friends. I'm going to drive the 1500 miles to Dad's house over a couple of days. I really like the drive. I will stop along the way and meet some friends. Dad's getting a bit older and i like to check in on him a few times a year and OK he does live in Florida where its warm. It snowed here last weekend so winter is upon us.

Work just goes on, although suffered a but of a loss the other day. I hate losing it just leaves you feeling sickened. I don't even like the idea of an appeal.

For all those who are feeling ill I wish you a healthy recovery and a hearty thank you for all those helping to care for sick friends or family members. I am hoping to catch up a bit on my readings and make some comments to all you hard writing bloggers. Its been about a year since I started reading the blogs and i do think you all have helped me a bit.

Thanks for reading and take care and be safe my friends

Cvn70

“Baby boy, I’m so sorry this happened to you”

They had spotted him in the bar alone, he was a diminutive figure apparently appearing feminine as Matthew Shepard was only 5’2” and just over 100 lbs (1.575 m. & 46.266 kg). His killers discussed their mark, plotted together; then they approached Matthew befriending him. It was reported they led Matthew to believe they shared his views on the gay movement while alluding to Matthew they were also gay.

“Showers of your crimson blood Seep into a nation calling up a flood Of narrow minds who legislate Thinly veiled intolerance Bigotry and hate But they tortured and burned you They beat you and they tied you They left you cold and breathing For love they crucified you Scarecrow crying Waiting to die wondering why Scarecrow trying Angels will hold carry your soul away” Scarecrow by Melissa Etheridge

Melissa, in her song Scarecrow, which is dedicated to Matthew tries to convey the incident and her disgust of the hate in this country towards the GLBT community. Most of us understand the concept of hate and what it can do to you. Whether you have faced it like AJCon89 did when he was attacked last year; like Joshua did when he came out in his little town in New Zealand or just feared that somehow you would be confronted by it, like so many others of you have from some corner in your life, well today maybe the tide turns a little.

With a large march today in Washington supporting the HRC Initiatives and the passage of the Matthew Sheppard Act by our US Congress, things maybe looking up a bit. But today I ask you to remember Matthew Shepard who was severely beaten and died on October 12, 1998, after a brutal attack which was in part justified by Matthews' killers because Matthew was gay.

“The only white skin I saw (on his face) was where he had been crying.” Patrol Officer Reggie Fluty described in her report, she continued that when she found Matthew's body, his hands were bound behind his back so tightly to a buck fence that it was difficult to cut him free. She tried to cut the ropes from Matthew's hands and when she bent him over he stopped breathing so she turned him back over. “His hands were tied tight and I wanted to free him” she also noticed that he wore braces on his teeth and though his face was caked in blood, his face was clean where streaks of tears had washed the blood away. Fluty testified during the trial of Matthew's killer, that in trying to comfort Matthew while waiting for the ambulance she told him “Baby boy, I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

Tomorrow marks the eleventh year since Matthew left us. Just this last week the US Congress passed Matthew Sheppard Act which would broaden the definition of a hate crime to include those committed because of gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability to our existing laws. Matthew’s attack and the lack of protection afforded us, in part, spurred the passage of this amendment to the law. Now it’s up to President Obama to sign it into law. Obama has come up short on many issues he campaigned on and this is his first big test where he can make a difference. Sure many may point to New Zealand’s new American ambassador who is gay as an example of Obama's support but to date its been more talk than action.

I can't imagine what occurred or what Matthew was feeling during the ride and beatings, but at some point while sitting between the by two individuals who knew Matthew was gay the robbery began and then it turned to deadly. Soon after getting into the car with his killers they informed him " We’re not gay and you’re getting jacked,’ " they began striking Matthew over the head with a .357-Magnum pistol. After stopping in a deserted field Matthew's killers made him get out of the truck. He was tied to a fence post and left to die. His killers got $20.00 and a pair of shoes in the robbery. Eighteen hours later Matthew's beaten and bloody body was discovered but it was too late.

Two people who felt so little for the life of another that in their defense of his actions, one tried to explain his hatred of gays and why he was justified in taking Matthew’s life; he claimed simply that he had negative experiences with gay people including being raped as a child by someone, so when he learned that Matthew was gay and coupled with he claimed that during their ride Matthew made advances on him which caused him to strike out against Matthew, so you can see that was simply Matthew’s crime and what justified his killing. Matthew's skull was so badly crushed that his brain stem was seriously damaged, meaning that vital functions including his heartbeat, breathing and temperature control were critically impaired, and doctors were unable to operate.

Matthew's parent have created the Matthew Shepard Foundation and Ms. Sheppard travels the country speaking out against the kind of hate which killed her son. It's worth a look to learn more about Matthew and his life. Matthew died for $20.00 so please be careful out there my friends; know who you get into cars with and don't go any where with folks you do not know.

Thanks for reading and I hope all is well with my readers, followers and commentators

Take care and be safe my friends and remember its getting better but its not a safe yet.

Cvn70

Happy Birthday, trips, meetings and friends

I like to say happy birthday to Shane tonight who writes I just want to be me and thanks for sharing a meal with me today. Shane might appreciate a little support right now as his room mate found a blog post on a memory stick and well Shane has feelings for his room mate so the result is things are a bit unsettled between them too right now.

I appreciate everyone who trusts me enough to actually meet and share some time with me. I have enjoyed getting to meet so many of you here on the blogs and look forward to meeting others, both on line and in real life. I was privileged to meet three people in California during my recent trip which I hope to post about soon in more detail with some pictures I took.

But in general I enjoyed a jet blue flight across the country; landed in San Francisco; rented a car. Drove down the Coast a couple of hours after being stuck in traffic between San Francisco and San Jose; arrived and met Jonathan who writes Gentleman's Romance; went to an aquarium where I saw some penguins, tuna and otters among other things; next day I drove south and met James who writes Just me; had a nice meal and took a walk downtown and enjoyed a cigar; overheard at dinner during my trip in response to bar waitresses inquiry as to if we desired another drink – no thanks if I have another I might hit on the waiter :) ( I hadn't heard that dinner before it was a first for me :P);

Drove north again and enjoyed some time with Jonathan again; the next day I drove south; went through a grapevine and saw some ducks and sharks; met Landyn who writes Stuck In The Middle and is the first blogger I ever emailed and met here; next day drove back to San Francisco and flew home

In the last three weeks I have met six bloggers and one other, a few months ago. I can’t thank you all enough. Not only those who I have actually met but those who read, comment and share their lives with me. Those who chat on MSN with me and email me. You are all making a positive impact on my life and I just want to say thanks. I believe we have a nice thing going here, a little community of people trying to help each other, and I’m lucky to have found you all.

And once again I get to plug some old friends who have come back to blogging recently. People like Courage had been blogging for months when I came along and he was one of the many who showed me real kindness and friendship almost ten months ago when we first met. He is back blogging after a short break and his blog is called A Beautiful Addiction.

Matt my good friend from the UK, who some may remember my post when he left our little community, well he is back and I hope you can give his blog a look, he is actually not a bad writer :P and he is a good guy. His blog is My Life.

I would like to thank my new followers first JC who describes himself as a Christian and is from Tennessee writes Who's Life Am I Living? and Charlie, a US high school student who writes Blogger (Blogspot) - boyintree - . I would also like to plug one new blog, Musings of Mr. GaGaa* is the writing of a Geeky And Gay Asian American grad student from California.

I am hoping if you have some time drop and say hello to them all. Add them to MSN and make them feel comfortable here too. I have finally updated my links and if you want to meet to add you please let me know if i haven't already. Oh yeah and I'm really going to try and make some comments and catch up on my reading

Thank you all for being out there dropping by and reading. Take care and be safe my friends.

Cvn70

All the Leaves are Brown and Wolves

“All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey I've been for a walk on a winter's day I'd be safe and warm if I was in L.A California Dreamin' on such a winter's day stopped into a church I passed along the way well, I got down on my knees and I pretend to pray you know the preacher likes the cold he knows I'm gonna stay California Dreamin' on such a winter's day …”

When I was young and growing up on the east coast of America, California was like a magical place in a lot of ways. It was the sunshine state before air-conditioning made Florida popular. It’s where the hippies were and the Vietnam War protesters’ all lived. It was the place the Dodgers and Giants moved too. It was where the movies were and the stars shined brightly. And oh yea it’s where all the gays were in San Francisco. At least that is what people think they don’t know we are everywhere : )

But there were two songs I loved growing up about California and they shaped how i saw it, one was by the Mamas and Papas: California Dreamin'. The words of the song above really spoke to me, as New England is a cold place on a winters day and I wanted to be warm in LA. So many times before I left the church I pretended to pray.

The other song was from an English band, Led Zeppelin. Going to California. Ok so as a teenager I did smoke some weed and drank some beers well a little bit too much at times but that is a story for another day, maybe soon. But in a way I have always sought a new start to this life of mine.

… Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine. Made up my mind to make a new start, Going to California with an aching in my heart…Took my chances on a big jet plane, …The sea was red and the sky was grey, Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake As the children of the sun began to awake. Seems that the wrath of the gods Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow; I think I might be sinking. Throw me a line if I reach it in time I’ll meet you up there where the path Runs straight and high. … Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

Some days when I was young I couldn’t convince myself it wasn’t as hard as it seems. I felt like it was never going to work out this life of mine and being gay well that just wasn't in the plans. I stressed that my life or the promise others saw in it would amount to nothing but also like the songs says when you stand on that mountain top after you have taken the path that runs straight and high, well the view of how your life works becomes crystal clear. I hope you all reach your mountain tops

I am going to California tomorrow to do a little dreamin and take a few days off. Maybe I will have some time to catch up on reading all your blogs. Any of you Californians have any ideas what I should do or see out there. I have been before and well it like every where full of beauty and imperfections but its worth another visit I think.

And I am happy to announce the return of Wolf back to blogging. Many of you older timers may remember his old blog Curious Wolf, well he is back with -- Wolfi's Blog – so if you have some time please check him out, and add him to MSN he has his listed somewhere on his blog :) . Hey and thanks to Blake for becoming my latest follower. And if you are a recent follower and I haven't yet acknowledge you please leave me a comment or send me an email so I can fix that problem.

Happy Birthday to Mirroboy's blog also and I hope you have many blogging birthdays : )

Hope all is well with you and yours my reader's; thanks for reading.

Take care and be safe

Cvn70

Playing Ball in Boston - Meanwhile in Australia its ...

Went to America’s past time twice this week it’s something I have done before but this week was a bit special because of the people I went to the one of the game’s with; and it was two of our fellow bloggers :). I have been pleased to meet so many of you online and have felt a real sense of community here. Naturgestez who writes Naturgesetz: Catholic and Homosexual; Mark, who writes Mark’s Complicated Life and my self met a bit before the game and enjoyed a nice dinner.

It was very comfortable and enjoyable as in some ways I felt a knew a lot about them after reading their blogs and enjoying their thoughts. We got to the game half through the first inning. The sox took an early lead only to have the visitors from Baltimore come back and tie the game. But in the later innings the home town team came back to win the game by three runs. It was exciting and exciting game but it was just a pleasure to be with some people just like me

I have been closeted so long and really afraid to reach out to anyone but slowly and because of events like last night I’m building a little confidence in being gay. Not sure I’m ready for any pride events but every time I have met someone from our community or youtube its just been a comfortable thing and experience. It’s slow growth for me but who says you have to rush into anything.

Took a couple of pictures i thought i would share with you over the last couple of nights. The first one is of the Fenway Park sign and the Red Sox League Championships or World Series Banners
The view from our seats last night up above third base of the diamond

The outfield down below us

Youk at to bat from my regular seats

And the cutest redsox there is Jacoby sorry you cant see his eyes

On a side note an old friend is back and blogging. Jake Anon has a new blog and its called Meanwhile in Australia. Now he does think that Australia is the best place on earth but if you can get by that he writes a great blog. I owe Jake Anon a lot in some ways for it was his encouragement that got me onto to MSN last year and talking to a lot of you. So if you have time go over and say hello and add him to your links. And talking to you all has made my life a lot better in many ways.

Thanks for reading everyone and i hope all is well where ever you are tonight

take care and be safe my friends

Cvn70