Life is Over, Bye Matt

“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seem limitless when they were in your head to no more then living size when they are brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of understanding ear.” Prologue to “The Body” by Steven King

I wish I had written those words for they describe for me some of what blogging is about. Mr. King’s short story, one known by most, centers on friendships and how characters that seemingly have nothing in common form strong bonds through experience, learning and coming to know each other's strengths and weaknesses. Many of us are hear looking for that understanding ear. We are attempting to make revelations of ourselves and provide information that are enemies may use us against us and for some here that is a real life proposition. The Body provided the material for the screen play and movie most are probably familiar with called "Stand By Me"

A lot has happened to me in the last few days but Life the Blog is over, Matt, my friend made 50 posts in four months had about 30 followers and yesterday sent me the email below. I guess I should start by thanking him for sending the email. He knew how it bothered me when some bloggers just up and leave. Matt was a friend. I left the first comment on his blog and we had emailed and chatted and became friends over the last four months. He wasn’t happy, a common trait among many of us, his family life wasn't the greatest as he saw it, his love life was non existent, stressing over exams but i thought he had found some friends here. He taught me a lot about how he saw life and things but in the end, I guess he didn’t find what he wanted here in blogging. I wish he had stayed to send me an email occasionally to let me know of his progression in life. Maybe some day he will, Matt it would mean a lot to me if you did.

I thought a lot, long and hard, about posting what he says in his email its not all pretty and I don’t know what happened; we actually chatted shortly before this and he said he would be on MSN today, those were his last words to me but in the end he asked me to post this so I will oblige his request. They are Matt’s thoughts not mine:

“Bob, put this on ur site please.

Hi. Bye.

Look theres no easy way to put this, but im going to stop blogging from now. Not just stop posting - just end my blog and everything to do with it. Ive come to the realisation that blogging is fucking me up - its making me think about how to say stuff, bad stuff, how to always moan and complain about my life. ANd its getting to a point where i have to stop; im creating illusions for myself, im making things much worse than they are. ANd i cant do that. Not any more. Its fucking me up bob, im doing stuff i shouldnt be doing ,im saying stuff i shouldnt me saying. Its my life, and i cant let myself ruin it with this. Im sorry that this is done the way it is; i will miss some of u guys; you bob, wolfy, jamesy, mirrorboy, john and nick. Sorry to those people. No im not suicidal, and im not going to hurt myself, i just need to end my blog before it ends me. ANd this can be a warning to others - to all those who think blogs are just fun, just a place where youw rite your thoughts -no theyre not toys, you shouldnt play with them, its playing with fire. Either way you dont benefit. This sounds a bit crazy i know. But fuck it, it has to be done.

You wonder what happens when bloggers dissapear, well this is what. I just hope one day you wont have to understand, that you wont have to think 'he was right'.And dont try to email me or talk to me on msn, im deleting both of those accounts, so youre just wasting your time.

And ill be ok dont worry.

X”

Matt I have a lot to say to you about your email and the times we spent talking and emailing. I am sorry this medium drove you to this position and I wish we had had the chance to talk about what bothered you about blogging. What I do know is I have one less gay/bi person who I can talk too and get to know in my life now. I don't see that as a win but its your choice, my friend.

I hope you find the freedoms you are looking for in this life. I want you to get the best education you can in this life to prepare you for a future. I hope you find someone you can spend time with who loves you as much as you want to love someone. I wish you the best my friend, it hurts to see you go but thank you for all your help and support. And, Matt I never thought you were a waste of time, and since you asked for me to post this I hope you will at least look at it so thanks so much for your comment on the last post.

Take care and be safe my friend

may fair winds stay at your back in life, bye for now :(

I will miss you

Cvn70

Head on Collision and Plugs

Some of you have asked what do I actually do for a living. so I thought i might try and explain a little. today i had a really good day at work, a case that I was asked to help out in was resolved favorably. A few years ago my client was hit, head on, in a motor vehicle accident and suffered multiple traumas including a broken collarbone, broken jaw and various other contusions of her body. Today, I and another attorney sat in a room with the insurance company’s attorneys along with a mediator and settled this case. We do this instead of going to court, as it will produce a settlement sooner rather than later and if we don’t like the results we can always go to court. Anyone want to guess at the settlement amount? There might be a prize in it for the person who comes closest to the settlement amount.

Originally I went to school to be a patent attorney because I have the engineering background, but let tell you its boring work. Patent are given for new inventions or parts there of. I quit that first job I had at a firm after two months and have developed a practice of my own. I keep everything I make except what I have to give my only partner, the government in taxes.

I rarely get involved with this type of work or criminal work, as I prefer to estate planning and tax avoidance work. I basically teach people how to minimize any estate tax or other tax they may owe upon their deaths. I know how do you get taxed at death, well in America the government wants a piece of you if you die with too much money. If you have an Estate, all your property comprises your estate, then the government places a 50% tax on all monies over 2 million dollars. So to be clear if your mom is worth 3 million dollars when she dies her children get 2.5 Million and the government gets .5 million. My job is to determine a way to let you keep the whole 3 million. I also help people plan to avoid paying for things like nursing home care. Basically if there is a way to minimize any payments owed to the federal government I will show a client how to do it.

I also do some civil Litigation, mostly involving probate which is the transfer of property from a decedent to his beneficiaries. As a side note, now every time I raise in court to make an objection, I have to laugh to myself thinking of something Mboy said one night. Court cases in America take about a year to two years before they are heard in trial at court and quite frankly the cases usually settle, before trial.

Lately due to the economy I have been doing a lot of bankruptcies. I have been talking to banks about trying to stop foreclosure actions and keep people in their homes. But a lot of what I do is simply talking to clients about their options and getting paid for it, it’s almost an enjoyable job sometimes. I highly recommend it to anyone out there. And I want to let you all know if you need some help or have a question please ask, even if you are not from the US I can usually access any countries laws.

New followers are Scotty a 20 year old, he is a friend from youtube, some of you may know him from the 5SortaStraightGuys channel or his own channel and his blog Endless Waltz; Cian a 20 year old, Keys Blog, a new Irish blogger and you got to love the Irish; and RJ, chips and fiasco blog, a16 year from my native state, thank you very much for following. If you watch yuotube give him a look and lets say hi to Cian and RJ, if you have a moment.

New Blogggers:

Rusano, an 18 year old aussie whose blog is aishiteru-lover

Lance 19 year old american whose blog is ramblingsofalostmind

Formysake a 20 year old american whose blog is allformysake

Nick a 15 year old whose blog is Simply Nick

Ray a 47 year old whose blog is Ray's Blog

Lets all wish them a warm welcome if you can. Well thanks again for reading and if you have any questions on what I do or a legal question in general, please just ask. On a last note i really want to wish all those suffering to night for what ever reason AJ, Jake, MBoy, Jordan and anyone else going through tough times, I hope your life improves shortly and you can continue blogging or achieving your gaols. We all miss you and hope the best for you.

Thanks for reading take care and be safe

Cvn70

Sweet & Sour Chicken

You know I don’t even like sweet and sour chicken that much but I thought it described my mood for today’s post. Its sweet but tangy at times not really what I enjoy. Like life in general this week’s successes have been mellowed by other events in life which pull you back into reality. So I am feeling a bit sweet over some court decisions made by our US Supreme Court on a totally independent case than mine but which really help one of my clients big time. They are disputing a government claim against them, its not criminal though, but really its technical and boring, just worth a ton of dough to them and the sour news was delivered by my cousin.

You see I was supposed to go sailing today and I really wanted to make this post yesterday. Why because yesterday was AEK birthday so if you don’t know him or haven’t wished him one drop by and say happy bday to him. He puts up with some of my boring theories on life in our MSN chats

Also wanted to post this yesterday to say happy birthday to mirrorboy, sorry it’s late mboy but happy sweet 16. He really is one of the cornerstones of this community and always makes me happy during our chats. I hope the next 16 years are all good and how do I get this phone number to send you text messages lol

I didn’t do any of that because yesterday I got one of those calls you get in life that kind of makes the day stop and changes your plans.

Usually on Memorial Day weekend I go sailing for the weekend. It’s a holiday weekend here in the States a day to remember our dead, family and military. There is a little race called the Figawi and it’s about 27 miles long and goes from Hyannis on Cape Cod to Nantucket Island. Over two hundred sailboats participate in about seven classes. I was hoping to take some nice photos. When the boats throw up their chutes (spinnakers) it’s an impressive site to see. The race on Saturday is followed by a weekend of heavy drinking and mingling with old sailing friends.

In the fifteen or so years of participating in this race we have won own our class just once. Then we were promptly disqualified when we gave the race committee our chart for the race; it turns out as we sailed a leg improperly and failed to make a mark. I knew we should not have won the race; we are just not that fast of a boat even with our handicap time. The weekend is capped by a day long leisurely sail back to Falmouth, on the Cape, Monday.

But my cousin called letting me know uncle Louis, his dad had passed and even though you knew it was coming it always hard to lose a family member. A mistake during an operation in January left him in a disabled state that he never recovered from. He was only 20 years older than me. We are given no promises in this life. We plan to live forever while knowing down deep we are only here for a limited period of time. I will be a pall bearer again it’s a job I can’t stand doing but how can you say no to your aunt. My uncle had a good life and his family is well cared for but still it will be hard for them to be without him.

So no sailing this weekend, instead I will be with family. The only good thing about a funeral is that it causes us all to gather.

But once again happy birth day to AEK and Mboy hope you guys had good days. You two and every once else remember life is ticking away make the most out of your life at all times. Create some good times in your life to balance out the pain we all share. Call or go visit those old friends and family, send an email or a text to some one you know, read the book or see the movie you’ve always wanted to see, go out and do some thing. Hug someone and maybe if you have the nerve to tell some one tell them you love them. Don’t wait for one of those phone calls to push you into action or to remind you how short life is

Thank you all for reading and kind words you leave for me they really help

Take care and be safe

Cvn70

never, never, never, never

Dropping the stick shift back into 4th gear on the highway and feeling the car surge ahead accelerating far beyond the posted speed limit is one of the few pleasures I really enjoy. The sun is streaking through open sunroof warming your face as the morning passes. The stereo is adjusted so that the pulsating bass beat from the sub woofers is vibrating right through you. It’s the way I prefer to drive with the throttle wide open and the car free to fly along. Leaving the interstate and shifting onto the rural roads that carve their way through the Berkshires of western Massachusetts allows free use of the cars systems and engineering to increase the enjoyment of driving. I was running late I admit it; heading to my nephews commencement and not looking forward to a day of speeches; small chat with people you hardly know and then the obligatory dinner with family to celebrate. I am sure you have all experienced the event in your own families.

I thought of the term Commencement and how it’s used to describe a beginning of a new life for those graduating. My thoughts of course drifted across many of you who I have come to known young and old but mostly about the caring and support that exists here. I would like at his moment welcome three new followers: Baz, Nick and Lee. Baz’s, you’ve just got to ride it, and Nick’s, put the lotion in the basket, and Lee's, Coolness are all fairly new blogs themselves so go give them a look. I also thought of some new bloggers I have come across lately and if you have time and are looking for something new to read or look at then take a look at these, because like mboy says we all need some love:

Random Thoughts By Me, its written by Its Me, a 16 year old bi guy;

Malchick gais favs, its written by Sasha, I think he is from Russia;

Beneath an Orange Sky, its written by Joe, a 16 year old bi guy; and

Terrified in the closet, its written by Kelisseou, Canadian 40 year old teacher.

Let’s all wish them well as they commence in this blog world and if you can, go give them a read and some comments, thanks.

As I drove up to the campus grounds I passed rows of soccer fields, causing my mind to wander to wonder of how Courage was doing today, if you never taken a look at his blog its worth your time, finally finding the parking lot which matched by color coded pass. And after a few minute walk past some dorms, really little apartments these days, past the library, and finally onto the Green where a large tent was erected to conceal the days activities. I had arrived with minutes to spare as the speeches began.My favorite was delivered by the class president, OK so he’s a friend of my nephew but he was the first to quote Churchill today, the second was some trustee, a politician of some sorts and an alumnus. The last to quote Churchill was the keynote speaker and not wanting to reveal his name and thus identify the college, I would simply note he would be known to many Americans, but the focus of his speech revolved around words spoken by Winston Churchill shortly after the battle of Britain at another school ceremony in which he said this is the lesson: Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force.

And then I thought of us all, and this little community that I joined and to which others are joining daily. Not all of us have figured it out; how to live with ourselves; how to come out; how to live after coming out; and mostly how to find someone to love. I have noticed lately many of you are struggling with your school work preparing for your exams and others the daily pressures of life and making a living. Its hard and the added pressures of being gay/bi don’t make it any easier. But here is a place where we all can feel free to be ourselves to discuss amongst ourselves and to offer help in so many ways to those of us in need. We all need the love and support from each other that we can provide so when you can give it freely to those amongst us.

So as I commence really in this new path of my life I will carry Mr. Churchill's words with me and hope that none of you will never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in. Always seek what you desire and keep climbing any hill or mountain that gets in your way. A friend of mine here recently said that if he could give a message to the world it would be "Never hold back. Stop thinking and just do it. And that is what I need to learn to do." I think he understands Mr. Churchill's message.

Thank you all for your support, take care and be safe

Cvn70

Mom I am gay, R.I.P.

Mom I am gay and I have wanted to tell you for years …, those simple words, I wish I had been able to say to my mother before she died. I have never had the courage or found the right time like Jeremy or Jordan just did. I congratulate them for being able to say those words. If you had not read their stories stop by and wish them well. It is such a hard thing to do but hope fully so liberating to you both. On this mothers day I want to wish the best for your mothers also who appear to so accepting of you both.

Jeremy and Jordon are relatively new bloggers also, but we have a new AJ blogging also, he just started yesterday. His blog is coming out on the net and this AJ is a twin, that seems to be a bit of a new trend around here, but he is looking for a few friends to chat with and some readers. So please give him a look also, he is easy to chat with and he seems like a nice guy

My mother though, was not of similar mind of Jeremy or Jordan’s mothers, when it came to gay people as I know she had other beliefs. But today I thought I would tell her, I hope she is reading this post in heaven. Mom taught me a lot in life, she was Italian so she taught me to cook, she also taught me the value of money and how to save it, she also taught me that it is important to give back to others in life and she taught me her faith. She wasn’t perfect but she was my mother who in her own way cared about me and tried to be a good parent. They are not perfect parents; it just takes so many years to understand that about them.

Tomorrow I will go her grave and put some flowers there so if your mom is alive give her a hug tomorrow. My mom died from small cell cancer mostly associated with cigarette smoking I am led to believe in 2001 yet it seems like she was just here.

This a bit of the eulogy i helped write for her, my mother is my inspiration for any caring or kindness I possess i miss her dearly:

My mother loved her gardens. Whether it was her garden of family and friends or her gardens of flowers and plants, my mom nourished each with such love and care. Her garden of family and friends were important to her. My siblings and I reflect her in so many ways. We all share her love of learning, adventure, caring for others, cooking and gardening. Friends, our mother taught us, were to be respected and cherished for friends are as precious as rain is to a garden.

So i hope tomorrow is a good Mother's day for all and don't forget to give your mother a hug or a call, even if she has disappointed you lately, see beyond that if you can. Now my friends maybe you may understand bit better why i see you all as precious to me.

take care and be safe

Cvn70

What About Bob and Marriage

Hello again and I hope you are well today. I got an email the other day and someone indicated they were looking forward to knowing a little about what makes me tick, so I thought I might described a bit about Bob for you all:

EDIT: Sorry I have confused so many but am not writing about myself here rather a friend of mine with the same name.

Bob has hazel eyes and auburn hair;
Bob drives a car from Sweden;
Bob grew up near Boston, Massachusetts USA;
Bob loves to attend sporting events;
Bob is very athletic even till this day, and he has the cutest butt;
Bob also has the cutest dimples;
Bob went to one of this countries bests business schools to get his masters degree, and I am not telling you which one;
Bob has never used drugs;
Bob used to have a Mohawk and an earring;
Bob used to have a six-pack but time has smoothed his abs;
Bob used to run long distances; and
My friend Bob doesn’t know how much I love him.

If you had met Bob during our college years when we met I think most of you would have understood how I felt about him, he was just so fit as my English friends say. Bob shares my name but unfortunately not my orientation. You know when you see someone who just makes you stop and stare, well meet Bob. The first time I saw him on campus I just knew I had to get to know him. That turned out to be easy as Bob and I both started out in engineering school. We found ourselves in several courses together. At some point he decided engineering wasn’t for him and he wanted to change majors. I was heart broken and remember trying to get him to change his mind.

As time marches on, I will probably tell you more about Bob as we travel down this road together but I have worked with Bob every day now for the last 15 years. It’s not perfect but every day I get to be with him and have him close. Bob is one of my best friends and loyal to a fault. He really is one of the things that keeps me going and gives me a reason to go to work every day. I hope you all have a friend like Bob someday as he clearly is one thing that makes me tick. Let me know if you have or had a Bob in your life or someone like him even closer to you.

Gay Marriage Update

On a side note, today Maine and last week New Hampshire’s legislators moved bills to legalize Gay Marriage. Rhode Island is now the only state in the New England which hasn’t legalized Gay Marriage or moved to legalized it. Maine and New Hampshire are following up on what Vermont did a couple of weeks ago when Vermont became the fourth state in the nation to legalize gay marriage. New York’s Governor has also submitted a bill to legalize Gay Marriage to his Legislators so New York could be next. California's Supreme Court has until the end of June to announce it position on the appeal of Prop 8. Guys if things go right we could have Gay Marriage eight states before the summer is done. Additionally the District of Columbia (where our nations capital is for all you readers form outside our borders) has agreed with New York and will recognize gay marriages from other states. I think the tide is turning and soon it will be legal through out our nation.

Once again thanks for all the support and I have to apologize to some of you for not having the time to thank all of you who I have not previously met and I will get an email to each of you soon. I have just been busy with real life issues and such. I guess in this economy I should be happy that I am busy but its getting tough out there for a lot of people and declaring bankruptcy appears to be a new trend for so many. So thanks for your patience and support.

And to all my friends’ writing papers, preparing for finals or working hard in any endeavor I would like to join my friend RC, a humorist, artist, a musician and University professor, in wishing you good luck and success. If you haven’t read RC’s blog Mental Doodles as of yet consider adding it your blog list as he posts almost daily and even Torchy reads it. . Lots of love to all and thanks for coming by today!


Take care and be safe

Cvn70