“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seem limitless when they were in your head to no more then living size when they are brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of understanding ear.” Prologue to “The Body” by Steven King
I wish I had written those words for they describe for me some of what blogging is about. Mr. King’s short story, one known by most, centers on friendships and how characters that seemingly have nothing in common form strong bonds through experience, learning and coming to know each other's strengths and weaknesses. Many of us are hear looking for that understanding ear. We are attempting to make revelations of ourselves and provide information that are enemies may use us against us and for some here that is a real life proposition. The Body provided the material for the screen play and movie most are probably familiar with called "Stand By Me"
A lot has happened to me in the last few days but Life the Blog is over, Matt, my friend made 50 posts in four months had about 30 followers and yesterday sent me the email below. I guess I should start by thanking him for sending the email. He knew how it bothered me when some bloggers just up and leave. Matt was a friend. I left the first comment on his blog and we had emailed and chatted and became friends over the last four months. He wasn’t happy, a common trait among many of us, his family life wasn't the greatest as he saw it, his love life was non existent, stressing over exams but i thought he had found some friends here. He taught me a lot about how he saw life and things but in the end, I guess he didn’t find what he wanted here in blogging. I wish he had stayed to send me an email occasionally to let me know of his progression in life. Maybe some day he will, Matt it would mean a lot to me if you did.
I thought a lot, long and hard, about posting what he says in his email its not all pretty and I don’t know what happened; we actually chatted shortly before this and he said he would be on MSN today, those were his last words to me but in the end he asked me to post this so I will oblige his request. They are Matt’s thoughts not mine:
“Bob, put this on ur site please.
Look theres no easy way to put this, but im going to stop blogging from now. Not just stop posting - just end my blog and everything to do with it. Ive come to the realisation that blogging is fucking me up - its making me think about how to say stuff, bad stuff, how to always moan and complain about my life. ANd its getting to a point where i have to stop; im creating illusions for myself, im making things much worse than they are. ANd i cant do that. Not any more. Its fucking me up bob, im doing stuff i shouldnt be doing ,im saying stuff i shouldnt me saying. Its my life, and i cant let myself ruin it with this. Im sorry that this is done the way it is; i will miss some of u guys; you bob, wolfy, jamesy, mirrorboy, john and nick. Sorry to those people. No im not suicidal, and im not going to hurt myself, i just need to end my blog before it ends me. ANd this can be a warning to others - to all those who think blogs are just fun, just a place where youw rite your thoughts -no theyre not toys, you shouldnt play with them, its playing with fire. Either way you dont benefit. This sounds a bit crazy i know. But fuck it, it has to be done.
You wonder what happens when bloggers dissapear, well this is what. I just hope one day you wont have to understand, that you wont have to think 'he was right'.And dont try to email me or talk to me on msn, im deleting both of those accounts, so youre just wasting your time.
And ill be ok dont worry.
Matt I have a lot to say to you about your email and the times we spent talking and emailing. I am sorry this medium drove you to this position and I wish we had had the chance to talk about what bothered you about blogging. What I do know is I have one less gay/bi person who I can talk too and get to know in my life now. I don't see that as a win but its your choice, my friend.
I hope you find the freedoms you are looking for in this life. I want you to get the best education you can in this life to prepare you for a future. I hope you find someone you can spend time with who loves you as much as you want to love someone. I wish you the best my friend, it hurts to see you go but thank you for all your help and support. And, Matt I never thought you were a waste of time, and since you asked for me to post this I hope you will at least look at it so thanks so much for your comment on the last post.
Take care and be safe my friend
may fair winds stay at your back in life, bye for now :(
I will miss you