“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seem limitless when they were in your head to no more then living size when they are brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of understanding ear.” Prologue to “The Body” by Steven King
I wish I had written those words for they describe for me some of what blogging is about. Mr. King’s short story, one known by most, centers on friendships and how characters that seemingly have nothing in common form strong bonds through experience, learning and coming to know each other's strengths and weaknesses. Many of us are hear looking for that understanding ear. We are attempting to make revelations of ourselves and provide information that are enemies may use us against us and for some here that is a real life proposition. The Body provided the material for the screen play and movie most are probably familiar with called "Stand By Me"
A lot has happened to me in the last few days but Life the Blog is over, Matt, my friend made 50 posts in four months had about 30 followers and yesterday sent me the email below. I guess I should start by thanking him for sending the email. He knew how it bothered me when some bloggers just up and leave. Matt was a friend. I left the first comment on his blog and we had emailed and chatted and became friends over the last four months. He wasn’t happy, a common trait among many of us, his family life wasn't the greatest as he saw it, his love life was non existent, stressing over exams but i thought he had found some friends here. He taught me a lot about how he saw life and things but in the end, I guess he didn’t find what he wanted here in blogging. I wish he had stayed to send me an email occasionally to let me know of his progression in life. Maybe some day he will, Matt it would mean a lot to me if you did.
I thought a lot, long and hard, about posting what he says in his email its not all pretty and I don’t know what happened; we actually chatted shortly before this and he said he would be on MSN today, those were his last words to me but in the end he asked me to post this so I will oblige his request. They are Matt’s thoughts not mine:
“Bob, put this on ur site please.
Hi. Bye.
Look theres no easy way to put this, but im going to stop blogging from now. Not just stop posting - just end my blog and everything to do with it. Ive come to the realisation that blogging is fucking me up - its making me think about how to say stuff, bad stuff, how to always moan and complain about my life. ANd its getting to a point where i have to stop; im creating illusions for myself, im making things much worse than they are. ANd i cant do that. Not any more. Its fucking me up bob, im doing stuff i shouldnt be doing ,im saying stuff i shouldnt me saying. Its my life, and i cant let myself ruin it with this. Im sorry that this is done the way it is; i will miss some of u guys; you bob, wolfy, jamesy, mirrorboy, john and nick. Sorry to those people. No im not suicidal, and im not going to hurt myself, i just need to end my blog before it ends me. ANd this can be a warning to others - to all those who think blogs are just fun, just a place where youw rite your thoughts -no theyre not toys, you shouldnt play with them, its playing with fire. Either way you dont benefit. This sounds a bit crazy i know. But fuck it, it has to be done.
You wonder what happens when bloggers dissapear, well this is what. I just hope one day you wont have to understand, that you wont have to think 'he was right'.And dont try to email me or talk to me on msn, im deleting both of those accounts, so youre just wasting your time.
And ill be ok dont worry.
X”
Matt I have a lot to say to you about your email and the times we spent talking and emailing. I am sorry this medium drove you to this position and I wish we had had the chance to talk about what bothered you about blogging. What I do know is I have one less gay/bi person who I can talk too and get to know in my life now. I don't see that as a win but its your choice, my friend.
I hope you find the freedoms you are looking for in this life. I want you to get the best education you can in this life to prepare you for a future. I hope you find someone you can spend time with who loves you as much as you want to love someone. I wish you the best my friend, it hurts to see you go but thank you for all your help and support. And, Matt I never thought you were a waste of time, and since you asked for me to post this I hope you will at least look at it so thanks so much for your comment on the last post.
Take care and be safe my friend
may fair winds stay at your back in life, bye for now :(
I will miss you
Cvn70
Happy Thanksgiving!
3 weeks ago
Matt's was not a blog i frequented, altho i think i left at least one comment.
ReplyDeletethose are fine words of yours Bob. but the words in Matt's last mail resonate with me too, and have done on several occasions.
it was good of Matt to send you that mail, far better than disappearing into the void.
if Matt does drop by here, then i'd like to wish him very best wishes for his future happiness too, and God speed.
torchy!
Thanks for posting this, bob. I used to enjoy reading Matt's blog and making what I hoped were useful or interesting comments. It's certainly too bad he came to feel that way about blogging. It's to bad it lead him to do stuff he shouldn't do and say stuff he shouldn't say, But clearly if that was how he perceived what he was doing, then he was right to make the decision he made. It would be interesting to be able to go back and reread the blog and try to figure out what he was talking about, but it's really his business, and if he doesn't want us second-guessing then it makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI join you in wishing him all the best.
Good luck Matt, in whatever you do.
ReplyDeleteJonathan.
Thanks Bob for spending time writing what must have been a difficult post in order to present Matt's apparent valedictory truism.
ReplyDeleteI am certain that what he says is correct for some people who write blogs. But it is certainly not true for the majority of us. Of that I am equally certain.
It is the innermost attitude of mind which dictates the blog - and NOT the other way around.
What is undeniably true is that, however hard it is just now for those who knew him, Matt is clearly better off not blogging - at least for now.
well matt, if this is your choice, then so be it. i never got to say goodbye to you properly and i dont know if i ever will, that hurts and is heart breaking to me but i guess you gotta move on with your own life even if you do leave others in the dust.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, it was a shock really, I never got to read your last post. although our last time on msn together wasn't the greatest, you didnt really show any distaste to your blog, although now that i think of it, in the email above you said that your blog was making you say things you didnt want to say, so i guess theres my answer.
you taught me a lot of things over the time we chatted, we had deep conversations, you made me laugh till my sides hurt, and now you make me show tears, good tears and bad tears, good ones for your life opening a new chapter and bad ones for wishing i had done something that would change all this. I have, and lot of us have, lost an amazing friend, you Matt.
I have always cared about you from the day I met you, when times got bad I still came crawling back no matter what, and to this day I still will.
I always cared about you and always will, and I think its safe to say that all of us here share the same view.
good luck in your new life....
Goodbye
Love Jamsey xxx
this is sad to hear. i hope this brings the answerers you are looking for.
ReplyDeleteWell that was unexpected :(
ReplyDeletegluck matt look after yourself
Cian
I never read his blog but he has a good point.
ReplyDeleteDo we always "control" our blogs or do they sometimes acquire a mind/being of their own? When a blog becomes something other than what we intended or want, did it change or did we change?
Often times I feel the blogosphere is a place to rant almost (if not completely) anonymously. But at the same time this venting sometimes carries with it a negative aura and it can be infectious. And so, I wonder.
hmm.. maybe someone found out he was gay from his blog? .... i never followed it, but that's the jist i get from it when he says things like "i hope you will never say "he was right""... etc.
ReplyDeletei guess blogging isnt for everyone- i havent had any problems with it, to be honest, i think it's helped me greatly.
ps- hey bob, a while ago you said you were gonna email me a list of questions; im not sure if you sent them or not, but i wanted to let you know i didnt recieve the/an email.
@torchy I do appreciate matt letting me i have questions but then we always have questions. He one of your country man and a fine human being, thanks
ReplyDelete@NG your comment I believe are always useful and come from your heart, we may not always agree with each othher at all times but your comments are given to others out of caring and concern. Normally your comments make me stop and think. Matt is struggling with life and if he needs to stop i can only respect him, thanks
@ Jonathan how are you doing i be on MSN tonight, Matt he is a good guy, thanks
@ Micky I agree with what you are saying and without devulging more I believe Matt is referring to desires and actions he had begun to take out side of just blogging. I believe he wants to go back to the life he lead before blogging.
Recently Matt was going thru some major revalations of himself and i think they may bother him more than the blogging itself, rather he became aware of them becuase of blogging.
He was just a good kid and now he is alone London driving around in his little car. i hope he finds what he is looking for, thanks
@ Me I cant say any more really than what you have already said. I will miss him and if you ever hear from him let me know, thanks
@ jay me too, thanks
@ Key It was very unexpected and hard to understand, thanks
@ AEK Matt was a very smart guy and i think has much potetntial in life. I would have been glad to talk to him for years to come whether he blogged or not. So whether we are in charge or not i hope i am. thanks
@ Tyler the questions will be out tonight, Matt email and writing this post took up the time i had last night. I thik Matt is reffering ot the idea that blogging may comr to haunt me someday and i would rememebr his statement. Matt i am almost sure would have said something but if you read my response to Mickey, i think it had more to do with things
he wanted to put back in the botlle. maybe he can maybe he cant i dont know, thanks
@ matt hey i hope you read this and i hope it you remember me. I know it might be selfish of me to ask but someday just let me know how you are doing. Let me know if any of your dreams came true. Let me know something. miss you buddy byes ttyl x x x <3
Originally I had decided never to comment here, this was not a lack of respect, just the opposite, and I know I have to choose my words carefully. But anyway, and ok, threw your stones at me. I don’t appreciate what I’ve just read from this Matt (I doesn’t know him and yes my English is poor), maybe he is a nice person, but I’m sure you are a very serious caring person and I guess blogging is not a surrogate for life, it is life and should treated like that, it’s just another way to express yourself, to find people you like...
ReplyDeleteAnd if you find interested people you should respond to them (100 years ago maybe you would live at a place forgotten from god and you have no chance to find someone and have to live), and when you find things you doesn’t like you should treat them just you would do in your “other” life, but it’s not a place for teasing life, because, there are real people with real feelings behind it. So if someone breaks the bridges, he is not somewhat like a hero to me. Ok threw your stones at me or ignore me. Good night to all of you.
@ Martin please never feel as though your thoughts arent valued here as i value every readers opinion. And further i have no stones to throw at anyone.
ReplyDeleteMatt was upset and troubled yes but i wont hold is words against him. He wants more from an unfair world than the world is willing to give us.
And no I don't agree with him and i tried to make that clear. I posted it because he was a friend who asked me to do so. Someone who cared about my life in a real sense and who has too mant demons in his.
He responded to every email seemed genuinely happy to speak to with me and well i thought i owed him his final shot, his parting blowso speak to speak
And i hope someday an email arrives from him and maybe we can find out what horror of his mind drove himaway from friends, thanks
Very sad, and sudden. I hope that Matt is able to move on and surmount whatever issue(s) drove him to his sudden departure, and to have things right in his life. Best wishes, wherever he is.
ReplyDelete@Seth I hope Matt finds what he is looking fo r and happiness in his life, thanks
ReplyDeleteIt seems like so many of us are suddenly just up and leaving. It saddens me, I'm always late for the party. I hope everyone that does stop posting, be it for a break or to continue their life in a different direction finds whatever it is they seek. Ultimately it's up to us to ourselves to allow us to be happy. I hope we each are able to find our individual "key" to it as it were.
ReplyDeletePeace
Hey cvn70 thanks for following me. I now have two followers YAY. I have been following alot of blogs for awhile now. but haven't started a blog till now because I don't feel like Im a very talented writer. But practice makes purpose I suppose. I'm sad that so many people are choosing to leave recently. Especially people whose blogs have helped me alot like AJ and Mirrorboy. And Matt if you read this although I didn't know I can definentley relate to how life can sometimes really suck. I hope you find peace and happiness.
ReplyDelete@ Sasha I do hope all those who have stopped posting find the happiness i life they are seeking the rest i hope come back to blog some more, thanks
ReplyDelete@Almishboi007 i hope blogging works out for you and dont be a stranger here. I will give you a plug shortly, thanks